In my years of practice, I’ve learned that while I cannot predict the future, I can cultivate essential qualities like wisdom and courage that will serve me regardless of what the future holds. To rouse wisdom, I ask myself, “What’s happening right now?” This question brings me back to the present and grounds me in reality. Similarly, to rouse courage, I challenge myself further by asking, “Can I be with this experience, just as it is, without needing it to be different?” This inquiry helps me accept my current situation with bravery and resilience.
Initially, my mindfulness practices heightened my awareness of negative thoughts, which paradoxically increased my dysregulation. It was challenging to “just notice” these thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them. Over time, I recognized that understanding the transient nature of thoughts—realizing they are not the reality of what’s happening right now—was crucial. This shift in perception allowed me to reduce my dysregulation significantly by focusing on the present rather than my painful past or unpredictable future.
However, I also realized that completing numerous mindfulness exercises was not sufficient. If I did not address the deep-seated wounds from my childhood that had accompanied me throughout my life, I would continue to struggle. This realization unexpectedly led me to explore Internal Family Systems (IFS) about five years ago.
Terrence Real provides a poignant description of enduring inner darkness in his book I Don’t Want to Talk About It:
“There is a blackness that has lain inside the center of my being. When I have closed my eyes, it has been there. When I have been left alone for more than a few hours, I have returned to it. This jagged, empty, frightening feeling has been a part of my internal atmosphere for as long as I can remember. It has been my baseline, my steady state—the me I spent a good many years running from. I have come to understand that dark, piercing unease at my center as my experience of emotional abandonment and fear of growing up in a dangerous household. It’s a little boy’s loneliness, which I brought with me out into the world for the next thirty years.”
His depiction of an enduring inner darkness struck a chord with me, mirroring my own “little boy’s loneliness” that I had evaded for decades. Despite a generally good life, filled with typical childhood disappointments, a high school heartbreak, and the challenges of a divorce—like over 50% of marriages experience—this deep loneliness continued to haunt me.
Through IFS, I began to understand that it wasn’t just one aspect of loneliness but multiple unhealed parts of myself contributing to this feeling. Elizabeth Stanley in Widen the Window states the importance of processing traumatic experiences at cognitive, emotional, and somatic levels to fully recover and widen our coping mechanisms. This requires an integration of top-down (thinking brain) and bottom-up (survival brain) processing.
In my adult life, I mainly engaged in top-down processing, often ignoring the signals from my body. My years of counseling with Bill introduced me to bottom-up techniques, which proved beneficial, though I frequently retreated to my intellectual comfort zone and resisted deeper experiential learning.
It was not until I experienced IFS with a skilled practitioner that I fully grasped its life-changing potential. By meeting and engaging with the various parts within me, I learned to release their burdens, enabling them to contribute their strengths in healthier ways—this was among the most healing experiences of my life.
By now, you might be curious about IFS. To get a feel for how internal parts operate, I recommend watching Disney’s Inside Out and its sequel, Inside Out 2, which depict our internal systems and parts with remarkable insight and creativity. After discovering IFS in my readings and finally experiencing its profound effects, I was determined to be trained in the model. After three years of trying, I was finally admitted into the IFS Level 1 training through a new selection process based on prior lottery attempts. This opportunity to bring IFS to my clients is as exciting as it is transformative.
This journey into the depths of my psyche through IFS has been one of the most enlightening and transformative experiences of my professional and personal life. It has taught me the power of truly listening to and integrating all parts of myself, which can lead to profound healing and growth. I encourage you to consider how IFS or similar practices might illuminate the hidden parts of your own psyche that influence your thoughts and behaviors.
As you reflect on this exploration of internal parts, I invite you to pause and listen to your own inner system. What parts of you might be calling for attention and healing? Understanding these parts can lead to a greater sense of peace and wholeness. Consider exploring these inner voices—perhaps they hold the key to unlocking new levels of understanding and compassion for yourself.
Stay tuned for more insights and discussions on how we can navigate our inner worlds together. Your journey to self-discovery and healing is just beginning.
Peace my friends,
~Travis
