Last year’s writing journey taught me something important: the stories we tell ourselves about our pain shape how we experience life. My hope is that these reflections help you see your own story with more clarity and compassion.
In my years of learning and growing there is one main theme that I have consistently found myself being brought back to: my pain and suffering IS NOT because of the events in my life, but because of my interpretations and meanings that I assigned to those events. Events are just events, they do not come with a “bad or good” label already assigned to them. I’m the one that assigned the label and created the story about why that event was either bad or good.
Don’t get me wrong, we can all agree there are things that should not have happened in our lives. Things that happened to us–either purposefully or unintentionally–are always there to feed our memory banks. And, the “bad things” that caused us emotional, physical, psychological, or spiritual injury are memories that have a negative emotional charge to them inside our systems so they sometimes play on repeat over and over again in our minds.
This brings me to a deeper understanding I’ve uncovered: the stories we assign to events aren’t just thoughts–they’re energy. And that energy lives in our mind-body system, shaping how we feel and react.
Everything is Energy. Everything our eyes can see and everything we cannot see. That includes our memories. Some memories have positive energy attached to them and we love to recall those memories, while other memories have negative energy attached to them and we often prefer not to remember them (if we can help it). To prove this point, think about something that you loved in your childhood or recent memories; the day your child was born, your wedding day, that big promotion you received, the championship you won, etc. When you recall those “good” memories, you experience positive emotions surge through your system and you feel the effects of that positive energy.
Now, try the opposite and think about something that was very painful for you to endure; someone you lost, a betrayal you experienced, an embarrassing childhood event that haunts you, a traumatic event that replays in your mind over and over again, etc. When you recall those “bad” memories, you get a negative feeling that surges through your system and you literally feel the negative effects of the charged energy within those memories. You may be sitting comfortably on your couch, completely safe, nobody is bothering you or even talking to you, but the negative energy is coursing through your veins and you are lost in your pain and suffering.
You may be thinking, “If my thoughts are energy, and my thoughts are coming from my memories, and my memories are filled with a lot of pain and suffering, how in the world am I supposed to get away from the negative energy?!” Good question, we’ll get there so hang with me.
Research estimates that we think between 60-70,000 thoughts per day, and most of today’s thoughts (80-90%) are a repeat of yesterday’s thoughts, and the day before, and so on. That means that most of our days are spent thinking the exact same things day after day after day. Our brains are running on repeat like the ocean waves slamming against the coastline. With my clients, I often talk about their Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) and I ask them how much of their suffering is coming from those ANTs they endlessly experience.
With 60-70,000 thoughts running through our minds daily–most of them repeats of yesterday’s–it’s no wonder negative thinking feels so overwhelming. It has taken me a very long time to figure this out. And, truthfully, I am somewhat embarrassed that it has taken me so long to understand that I am the reason for my pain and suffering.
Cue the famous Taylor Swift lyrics now: “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.”
But HOOOW?
That is what I kept asking myself over and over again once I discovered that I was the problem–I was the Anti-Hero of my story. My thinking was the problem. The stories I told myself about the events in my life were the problem. My interpretations of those events were the problem. Choosing to simply think different thoughts is almost as helpful as telling a woman to calm down in the middle of an argument (guys, I don’t recommend this).
So, then, how did I begin to change my thoughts and have some relief from my pain and suffering? First, I committed myself to learning and growing so I read every self-help and personal growth book I could get my hands on. I studied various religions and philosophies about why we are here and the meaning of life (you know, nothing too outrageous). And, I became a private investigator of my own life. I witnessed myself in every situation and I watched what worked and what didn’t work for me. I held onto the things that worked and I let go of the things that didn’t work for me. Over time, I began to see my pain and suffering normally originated inside my own head (Except for that time I stubbed my toe on the dining room chair; that time my suffering was the chair’s fault!).
Initially, I thought that my faulty thinking could easily be replaced with better thinking and so I practiced at that for a long time. What I found out was very disappointing to me. Simply choosing to think differently wasn’t cutting the mustard so I had to try something else because the negative energy of my automatic negative thinking bombarded me in various situations.
I learned that my mind-body system has a thinking brain and a survival brain. My thinking brain is verbal and can talk to me with thoughts and uses explicit memories which I can easily recall just by thinking about them. My survival brain unfortunately is not verbal and can only send me messages through sensations in my body, my Spidey-senses, knots in my gut, or my intuition. My survival brain uses implicit memories which are not easily recalled and are outside of my conscious awareness.
My survival brain is constantly scanning my inner and outer environment to detect anything that I may need to avoid and quickly cues my fight or flight response to get me out of a bad situation. This is called interoception and it’s how I unconsciously move towards pleasure and comfort or move away from pain or discomfort. Sometimes these signals guide me well, but other times they create confusion, leading my thinking brain to misinterpret what’s happening. It’s like trying to read a scrambled text message–frustrating and exhausting.
My thinking brain and survival brain are supposed to be working together in order to help navigate me through my day-to-day environment with ease. But what am I supposed to do when I experience thinking brain override or survival brain hijacking? On those days my entire system needs a software update similar to my iPhone.
So much of this comes down to what I can control and what I cannot control. My little mind (my ego) likes to think I have a lot more control over situations than I actually do. I have no control over any other person or over most situations. I really like the way Elizabeth Stanley said it in Widen the Window: “The only thing I truly have any control over is when, where, and how I repeatedly direct my attention; and whether I direct my attention consciously or unconsciously.”
Over time, I realized the way out of this cycle wasn’t to fight my thoughts but to become more aware of them. Awareness became my compass, helping me notice patterns and redirect my energy.
Mindfulness activities like meditation, writing, deep breathing, and time in nature have all been game-changers for me. Mindfulness activities help with two aspects of improving my mental health: attentional control and open monitoring. Having attentional control means I have the ability to direct my attention where I want to, and I’m not simply a victim of whatever gets its claws into my little mind. Open monitoring means that I can sit non-judgmentally with whatever stimuli is happening around me and not need it to be any different than it is.
What I’ve come to realize is this: my pain and suffering aren’t permanent fixtures–they’re habits, patterns, and stories I’ve unknowingly kept alive. And while I can’t erase the hard things that have happened, I can change the way I respond to them. It’s not about controlling everything, nor is it about forcing myself to “think positive.” It’s about learning to pause, notice, and redirect my attention toward what truly matters.
This practice isn’t perfect. Some days are messy, and that’s okay. But as I’ve leaned into mindfulness–through writing, breathing, walking in nature, and just being present–I’ve started to see a shift. I’ve begun to catch myself in those automatic loops of negative thinking and gently choose a different path. It’s not about fixing myself; it’s about giving myself the grace to grow.
So, if you’re here, reading this, and wondering how to break free from your own cycles of pain and suffering, I’d offer this: start small. Get curious. Pay attention to where your energy goes and what stories you’re telling yourself. You don’t have to figure it all out at once, but the act of showing up for yourself–again and again–can change everything.
Peace my Friends,
~Travis
