From Love to Hate

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You know the story, I really don’t have to spell it out for you. The lovely young couple are eyeing each other from across the room. One finally gets enough courage to break the ice and within what seems like minutes, they struggle to remember their lives before they met.

Tell me, O people, tell me! Who among you would not wake from the sleep of life if love were to brush your spirit with its fingertips?

Who among you would not forsake your father and your mother and your home if the girl whom your heart loved were to call to him?

Who among you would not cross the seas, traverse deserts, go over mountains and valleys to reach the woman whom his spirit has chosen?

What youth would not follow his heart to the ends of the earth to breathe the sweetness of his lover’s breath, feel the soft touch of her hands, delight in the melody of her voice?”

Kahlil Gibran
The Beloved

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Their relationship progressed faster and smoother than anyone they have ever been with. Cupid must have been smiling down the day he introduced them because this one is a match made in heaven. Within a few days, they both can’t believe how different everything seems. Colors are more vivid, flowers smell sweeter, food tastes exquisite, heck, their morning breath doesn’t even stink!

After plenty of time has gone by, he realizes he can’t live without her so he ends up asking a fairly important question while squatting on one knee.

Within seconds, everything changes. She can now prepare for what society has told her will be the biggest day of her life. Suddenly, there is nothing in her life more important than the climactic moment when she will . . .

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The weekend of the big day comes and goes like a tornado; leaving the In-Laws and Parents left to sift through the wreckage while the lovely couple sails off to some exotic location.

Usually months and maybe years go by before something seems to shift. Pretty soon those long conversations and romantic nights are less and less. She’s getting anxious and he just wants to be left alone. They both know there’s something boiling beneath the surface but neither one of them want to say it. Especially him! You kidding me, he’s keeping his mouth shut!

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No matter how difficult times got at least there was always one place they could make the magic happen. Unfortunately, the magic has decreased to the point where the rabbit isn’t getting pulled out of the hat enough. They might as well give the rabbit long term disability or a fully vested retirement as much as he’s getting pulled out of the hat! Before long, even their most sacred connection destination turns into a trivial trouble as well.

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She doesn’t understand where things went wrong. “He’s changed!” she tells her closest allies. “All he does is watch sports and play those stupid games!” The connectedness and passion fades and she’s left wondering if she might have made a mistake. “I deserve better! This isn’t what I signed up for! He better give me some attention or else I’ll have to find some attention somewhere else!”

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He can’t take her anymore! “She has gone crazy! Why doesn’t she just leave me alone and let me be myself like when we were dating. She was so much more relaxed and patient before we were married. Now I feel like she’s riding my ass every second of every day!” The more pressure he feels from her the more he turns to sports, games, buddies, and beer. He just wants to have a good time. He never realized she would change so much. “If she would have just stayed the same everything would be fine.”

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Before long, the big D word gets brought up. Here stands a person you loved with all your heart and all your soul and all your might. You planned on spending eternity together and now you can’t stand the sight of them. The things they did to you are enough to make any grown adult sick! They have hurt you in ways you wouldn’t expect from your worst enemy. What did you ever see in them? How could you put up with them for so long? They aren’t even that good looking!

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OK! Let’s break into the story right here for a second.

Can you hear the long desperate story you begin to tell yourself and your closest friends? You tell yourself this doom and gloom long enough that you start to believe every rotten thought that strolls between your ears.

How did you get from falling in love to hating their guts? The answers to this are easy enough to answer. The how isn’t the important part, though. Remember Eckhart Tolle from my previous blog? You can choose to dwell on the past or worry about the future and this will surely destroy your present! No matter what has transpired in the past, what your situation is like in the present, or where you think your future is heading, you can have peace right this very second! Breath deep, focus on the Now, plug in to the Mysterious Flow and your life will change instantly.

You are not a victim! You have the power to live your life any way you choose. You are strong, confident, gifted, loving, and amazing! You just forgot for a little while, that’s all. You have focused so much of your energy and attention onto all the things your partner wasn’t doing for you that you took your attention off yourself. Your physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional health has suffered because, at some point, you decided to shift your focus away from your own well-being.

Do you have any idea why most couples who split up always end up hating each other? (When you find out will you please tell me so I can blog about it?) 😉 They hate each other so much because when you’re in a relationship you serve as a mirror for your partner. When you lash out at your partner you are really lashing out at yourself. Remember, they are your mirror! The thoughts, feelings, emotions, and actions you have for them comes right back to you and looks you right square in the face. If you can get out of your own way for a minute and start to show empathy for the person in the mirror, you will start to see the relationship blossom again. Stop accusing your partner of selling you short and take some time to take care of YOURSELF! It is not your partner’s responsibility to make you happy. You give all your power away to that person when you allow them to control your emotions. You have the power! Use it!

Yes, I realize that some situations are difficult. “But you have no idea what they did to me!” Doesn’t matter! Let it go! I once heard that bitterness is like drinking poison and then expecting the other person to die. Duh!! Let it go!

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In closing, my wife and I recently watched the movie, The Descendants, with George Clooney. He finds out while his wife is in a coma that she was having an affair and was planning on leaving him. His desperate attempts to come to grips with it all was an enjoyable process to watch. If you are into chick flicks as I am then give it try. You’ll enjoy it!

Have a great week!!

~Travis