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Hi. My name is Travis, and I’m an Appoholic. I have more apps on my phone than I can count. I have basic apps for weather, finances, and music; along with some real hi-tech gadgetry apps for weather, finances, and music. My wife thinks I have a problem but I just don’t see it that way.

I have to admit, some of my apps are useless, like the app that tracks my ovulation cycle; honestly, I’m really not interested in getting pregnant. Or the motorcycle maintenance app—I don’t even own a motorcycle. Or the app that has the properties of steam tables so I can always know at what temperature water boils; might come in handy next time I’m in the Swiss Alps.

I have multiple apps that serve the same purposes. Why 4 map apps? If I ever got lost and one doesn’t get me home I can always try the next one. Or, 3 tip apps? I’m always suspicious of a hacker adjusting my 5% tip rate at Applebee’s. And 5 sports scoring apps? If the Lions aren’t winning on one I can quickly check another since it must be a mistake; the Lions are always winning.

Some people really struggle with food addictions. When they see a juicy Quarter Pounder with cheese commercial they can’t help their trance-like state; they get in their car and drive to the nearest golden arches to order one. Me? I’m not into drugs and I can do without the booze, but every time I hear “There’s an app for that” my hands start to shake and before I know it I’m perusing the app store for hours. I try not to let any grease from the Quarter Pounder get on my screen, though.

I keep up with all my tweeps and their instafaces with my social media apps. Some of them I don’t care for much so we play Words with Enemies together. All the birds in my app are happy since they completed their anger management classes. My Find Friends app tracks their exact location so I put all my exes in it and renamed it Avoid Psychos.

My wife said I went too far and was in need of some serious help when she caught me using my newest app. It lets me take a picture of my bowel movements and calculates how much fiber I have in my diet. I told her I like to think of it as my Crap App. That’s when she declared she was making the call to find the nearest Appoholics Anonymous.

To which I said, “Hold on, there’s an app for that!”